Dreams: Attainable Goal or Unresolved Longing?

Turning forty was a tough year: not because of the physical changes {although a few of them…hot flashes?? suck big time}, not because of the reflection in the mirror staring back at me, although I acknowledge sometimes I gasp believing that cannot possibly be me…and so on. The disappearance of my abs, simply an accepted badge of honor to my difficult pregnancies/months on bedrest-but hey, we have two great, healthy kids. No, the hard part was realizing I was half way through my life…if I’m lucky, that is. I would like to think I’ll make it to eighty. With the kids now in their teen years, I realized I could pick up where I left off years ago and pursue my dream of working as a writer-a screenwriter {had to pick the toughest arena, right?}. I have been blessed with a modicum of success, but have not yet reached that level that allows me to give up my day job. So, forty reopened the longing to chase my dream-if not now, when? But it also made me crash face to face into that younger, ambitious, desperate version of myself and ask, am I too late? Shouldn’t I have tried this back then, when I had the energy, stamina, fortitude….just lacked the time, I had kids to raise after all. And the arguement goes on, day after day, night after night.

Are dreams things that drive us to achieve or torture us, drive us crazy? Can dreams be attained or are they simply what we want and know we will never have? And how do we know the difference? How can we distinguish between what is realistic and what is a waste of time/energy/money/tears of disappointment? When do we finally concede: “I give up!”

I wrestle with this question all the time. I have had people who LOVE me tell me I am reaching way beyond the realm of reality. Hollywood??? Yea, right. I have been told only the very special, beautiful people achieve that level of success, and that I am not one of those special, beautiful people. Seriously, a loved one said that to me. So, why keep trying? I ask myself that all the time. The answer I always come back to? Because that dream keeps me alive. It keeps me looking forward, fills my heart with hope. It sustains me. There is always that chance that the call or email will come, “We want to discuss buying your screenplay….” And that gets me up in morning, carries me through the day and helps me fall asleep at night. Maybe today/tomorrow will be the day…. Keep dreaming!

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A Voice From My Past

Last night I found an “old” friend on Facebook. I’ll admit I was of the mind set Facebook is Sooo…you know- all this instant messaging, putting random thoughts out there, Tweeting…not really my thing. And I have NO idea how to play these games like Farmville-I LIVE on a farm, I have REAL chickens and a huge vegetable garden, I don’t need to pretend! I have enough work in REALITY…Anyway, I bit the bullet and made a Facebook page, and I am glad that I did; because I found a friend from my younger years- someone I have missed for a very long time, who was an important part of my growing up years.

I met this friend when I was 19 and she was 10 years old-I know sounds weird, but I grew up with a parent who moved/married about every two years-because she could, not a military brat- and my only regular companion was my little brother, who is four years younger and had no interest in hanging out with me. My 3 older sisters and older brother had grown up living with our father, and I rarely saw them….so to have a friend who was like a younger sister was a blast for me. We went to movies, spent weekends at the mall, bought every Madonna tape {showing my age! But isn’t it amazing Madonna is still just as relevant today…} and had fun together. I got to feel like a kid – she helped me experience my first real childhood.  We were friends for several years until the age difference became obvious-I got engaged and married, she entered high school-and we began to drift apart, eventually losing track of each other.

So, on a whim I typed her name into Facebook and found several HUNDRED women with her name…thankfully, she had listed her hometown-and I messaged her. What a thrill to hear back from her after 18 years! A blast from the past. She has done so many of the things she dreamed/talked about as a teenager: travel, modeling, living in California-and she grew up to be a beautiful woman, thus the modeling. My life took the other end of the spectrum: wife, mother, farming and a developing career in writing. Looking at her pictures of the places, people and events she has experienced I admit to a pang of envy. But it is so nice to see she pursued her dreams and has been able to live them out. My life is very different from her’s, but we both had the same response: “You did what you always talked about…” It’s so true! And once again the age difference doesn’t feel so vast: we’re both adults, both happy in our piece of the world and both chasing that dream that is all our own.

It’s funny how someone from your past can make you feel at peace with your present. Sometimes I become so focused on my future that a little trip to the past can make me realize how far I have already come, and how blessed my present truly is. To deep??? Ya, probably, but you know what I mean.

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As I Watched Them Fly Away…

Today was an exciting, exhilerating, terrifying, thrilling sort of day. And very thought provoking, too. Our 15 year old daughter and 17 year old son had the chance to go flying in a tiny Cessna. Now, it’s not as though these planes are foreign to us, as we have lived across the farm field from a small, private airport for the past 18 years, so we see/hear these planes flying 24/7. When our son was a few months old, I remember hearing the familiar buzzing of the planes overhead while working on the computer. My mother had taken Ben for a walk in his stroller, and as we have no sidewalks, they were walking the shoulder of our rural road- when that buzzing sound stopped dead.  Maybe because it was so familiar, I recall stopping typing in mid sentence and listening, and then I heard that soul shattering BOOM and my heart literally skipped a beat…less than a hundred yards from where our son and mother were walking a Cessna had gone down into a pond. I have never screamed like I heard myself scream for my husband to find them-NOW! Anyway, my family was fine,  but tragically the pilot perished, so as we sat at the airport today waiting for our babies turn to fly, this all came rushing back at me. And to my husband too, I will add, for we both  drew deep cleansing breaths as we watched them trot out to the plane.

The kids were really excited to get to experience this awesome treat, and we were thrilled for them; but something strange overcomes a parent when they are forced to sit and watch their offspring embark on such an excurssion. You love to share in the thrill, but every instinct in you screams “don’t put them in danger! Hold them close, protect them, keep them in a little, safe bubble…” It’s weird and confusing and scary.

So, as they climbed aboard, strapped on their seatbelts and we watched them taxi the runway, I found myself saying a prayer and holding my breath for those 20 minutes-not literally of course, but it felt like I did! And as I watched their plane return and glide to a gentle landing, I was up and out of my seat, jogging to meet them halfway up the walkway, their faces radiant and both were nearly skipping so excited to tell us every second of their flight over our house, around Lake Geneva and past their school in Woodstock. It was exhilerating for us, as parents to hear the joy in their voices. And I realized how blessed we are to share these moments with them. Soon it will be stories of Culinary School and College. Girlfriends, boyfriends, fiances and spouses. And all to soon – kids of their own.

So, as I watched them fly away in that tiny plane, I realized sooner than later it will be a flight greater than 20 minutes in a Cessna. It will be our babies flying the nest, and I know we need to cherish, relish and allow them to experience everything possible in the time they are still ours, at home with us, and we’re able to share  their life’s great moments with them.

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Summer Flew By…

Can you believe Summer is almost over? Wow, the time flew by. Seems like only a week ago my kids were complaining they were borrrrrred-oh, wait it was! Now they are focused on expressing their anger and irritation that they must return to the confines of that institution of learning in only a few days time-hahaha! My heart breaks for ’em! I love them dearly, and Lord knows I enjoy leaving a list of chores for the day as I leave for work-only a few things, I’m not a completely evil mother, but I am one of those horrible people who advocate year round schooling. Two weeks off three times a year is ample and of a length that they are not climbing the walls, as they do after 3 months off. Not to mention sleeping ’til 10am for weeks on end, then having to reset your body clock to rise at 5:45am is brutal-to both them and their parents.

What I was NOT prepared for was the list of school expenses- Jiminy Christmas!!! The public school our kids attend billed us $700+ for courses {2 yearbooks too}, towel fee, and whatever. Ahhhhh!!! And then the supplies, clothes, shoes {can’t get just gym shoes, must be non skid, non black soled…}Yikes! And then the first week they ALWAYS come home with Lab fees, an extra list from EACH teacher, Music Boosters, Homecoming tix…. Enough to make you throwup! Buy those Lottery tix!

Of course, next Fall will be the beginning of Culinary School for our son- dun dun dun! In two years college for the daughter {$25,000 a year plus R & B & books, Lab fees…} More Lottery tix, plz!

You think retirement will ever….nah. Don’t even go there.

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Embrace The Ever Changing Cycle of Life…

I used to fear change, now I find myself embracing new things. I used to dread birthdays, especially when I hit forty, and then to my utter shock and amazement I kind of felt comfortable in my own skin-for the first time in my life. Yea, I wish my butt was smaller and certain parts were firmer, or not so many lines were around my eyes and forehead-but, I’m okay with how everything has “settled”.  And I am notorious for my desire to stay on a schedule, organization is my friend-but the past few weeks new opportunities have begun to present themselves, and a great deal of work has required my attention to see these flourish- but I love it and welcome the experience! I’ve come to the conclusion that life is something to soak up, explore, breathe in-relish. I want to see, taste, touch and experience all that I can in whatever time I have been given in this life. I still like to have a schedule-bills must be paid, after all. But those odd hours “open” each day I want to fill with learning, reading,  writing and reaching out into the world. I thought my forties would be frightening, a time when I would need to slow down-and yet just the opposite has proven to be true. A new life is on the cusp of beginning and I have never been happier/more excited / more enthusiastic to greet each day.

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Life: The Never Ending Rollercoaster Ride

It never fails; good news comes along side the not so good news. Is that to keep life in balance, you think? Like karma? The good and bad must stay in proportion, in harmony, to maintain a healthy equalibrium. Can be a real fun sucker that one – karma.

Thursday afternoon I received the news that I am one step closer to landing the job of my dreams- I was floating on cloud nine…so happy, excited, just blissful; 15 minutes later I receive a call my best friend’s daughter has gone into premature labor- she is pregnant with twins, so that call was very frightening x 10 fold. It would be several hours  before the news came the baby boys were born- 3lbs 6oz and 3lbs 11oz, but okay. Saturday they were able to come off the venilator- Austin and Bryson are doing well. Thank God.

Why does life do that-lift you up high into the clouds, then drop you like a big ol’ rock for a free fall- you feel panicked, heart beating hard, anxious…? Sometimes I visualize us  all living on this triple decker chessboard and the Fates/Angel moving us around like pieces in a vast game only they understand. Probably a little therapy might be in line for me, huh, I know…

The good, the bad, the ugly…all equal doses throughout our lives, spooned out like scoops of ice cream. You can never be sure what flavor you will be given each day. Randomly distributed. But I guess that is what keeps life interesting, too- if you only consumed vanilla {the good}, you would never know all the other flavors out there {the bad & the ugly} and could never acurrately say “this is my favorite.”  Because I have worked many different jobs in my life, I know this one I am working to land is DEFINTELY, without any doubt what so ever, is indeed my DREAM job. But I wouldn’t know that if I hadn’t had a few crappy jobs along the way {waitressing: lasted 2 1/2 hours, seriously}.

I guess you just have to take what comes your way and make the most of each experience. And say a little prayer of gratitude when the good days come along. They always do.

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