Turning forty was a tough year: not because of the physical changes {although a few of them…hot flashes?? suck big time}, not because of the reflection in the mirror staring back at me, although I acknowledge sometimes I gasp believing that cannot possibly be me…and so on. The disappearance of my abs, simply an accepted badge of honor to my difficult pregnancies/months on bedrest-but hey, we have two great, healthy kids. No, the hard part was realizing I was half way through my life…if I’m lucky, that is. I would like to think I’ll make it to eighty. With the kids now in their teen years, I realized I could pick up where I left off years ago and pursue my dream of working as a writer-a screenwriter {had to pick the toughest arena, right?}. I have been blessed with a modicum of success, but have not yet reached that level that allows me to give up my day job. So, forty reopened the longing to chase my dream-if not now, when? But it also made me crash face to face into that younger, ambitious, desperate version of myself and ask, am I too late? Shouldn’t I have tried this back then, when I had the energy, stamina, fortitude….just lacked the time, I had kids to raise after all. And the arguement goes on, day after day, night after night.
Are dreams things that drive us to achieve or torture us, drive us crazy? Can dreams be attained or are they simply what we want and know we will never have? And how do we know the difference? How can we distinguish between what is realistic and what is a waste of time/energy/money/tears of disappointment? When do we finally concede: “I give up!”
I wrestle with this question all the time. I have had people who LOVE me tell me I am reaching way beyond the realm of reality. Hollywood??? Yea, right. I have been told only the very special, beautiful people achieve that level of success, and that I am not one of those special, beautiful people. Seriously, a loved one said that to me. So, why keep trying? I ask myself that all the time. The answer I always come back to? Because that dream keeps me alive. It keeps me looking forward, fills my heart with hope. It sustains me. There is always that chance that the call or email will come, “We want to discuss buying your screenplay….” And that gets me up in morning, carries me through the day and helps me fall asleep at night. Maybe today/tomorrow will be the day…. Keep dreaming!
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